Chocolate

chocolate is my miracle drug

that and a good massage.

mmmm...massage.

that sounds really good right now.

anyway, back to the chocolate.

more importantly

back to the kit-kat that is currently sitting on my desk, but won't be there for very long.

chocolate has a way of drowning out sorrows, feelings, and tears.

ok, so the tears will still be there.

but chocolate makes them go away for a minute.

i hate this.

give me the chocolate.

PMS

i hate pms.

with.a.passion

but want to know who hates pms more?

my hubby

the poor soul

i get onry, EVERY little thing bugs me, i get snarky, tired, hungry, sore, and just mean.

this morning, my hubby hid from me.

because, you see, he couldn't do anything right.

at least according to my pms'ed brain.

i get pms about a week before my period starts.

i explained to my hubby that i was pmsing so i can't be held responsible for whatever i say or do that is mean (i tell him this every month). but what shocked me, was he looked at me and said:

"didn't you just get over that?"

after that is when he hid

he knew

i have tried to keep myself busy, and do things to make myself feel better. but honestly,

i just want to crawl back into bed.

and eat lots of chocolate.

Been awhile

i know i'm awful

i start this blog and then i just kind of disappear from it.
not.cool.

so let's go at this again shall we?

hello, i'm an infertile mama.
i tried conceieving for 6 years before after many fertility treatments, being told i can't get pregnant.
great.
we were then blessed with the miracle that is our son.
you see, he's adopted.
and he belongs in our family.

being a mother is one of the greatest things i have been able to do in this life.
completely.

so let's see. i am 27 years old, and thought i would be just about DONE having kids by this point. we wanted 5-6 kids, spaced about 2 years apart. i started when i was 18 when i got married (yes i KNOW that's young, haha, but when you find the right person, why wait?) If things had gone according to plan, i would have 5 kids by now.
but alas, i have 1.
and probably the cutest one in the whole world.
no offense, just fact :-)

i have bad eggs, and a messed up cycle. hubby has low deformed sperm with bad dna.
apparently that's not a good mix :-)

so we will probably end up with only 2, maybe 3 if we are lucky, kids.

infertility still slaps me in the face.
like when i hear "so, where's his REAL mother?" , or "when are you going to get pregnant again?" and "just try to adopt, then you'll get pregnant."
unfortunately, most of those comments come from other sisters in my church.
aren't they supposed to know better?

sheesh.

but then I think, they haven't been educated. they don't know better. infertility is just starting to come out as an actual desease that women have. And it's serious.

so, let's educate.

anyway. we are looking at adopting again.
we are starting to fill out our paperwork.
i wish those that got pregnant had to go through all the in depth detailing and documenting that we have to do. ugh.
i will try to document it here as to what's going on. my goal is to post on this blog at least twice a week. maybe there are people actually reading out there, maybe not. so, if you read, leave a note :-) and feel free to pass this along to anyone you think will enjoy reading. :-)

~infertile mama

Mother's Day

i will come out and say it

i am still not a fan of mother's day

there, i've said it

why am i not a fan of mother's day? because i can't bear children

for some odd reason, this is hard for a lot of people to comprehend

although i can't complain too much, because i do have 1 child, i am a physical mother

but there is still a part of this mother that has been left behind.

just after we were blessed with out little, i had my first mother's day. someone had the NERVE to tell me that i wasn't really a mother, because i didn't give birth to him. and i still have a great grandmother who always asks me "are you going to go see his real mom?"

EXCUSE ME?!

i am every bit of a mother as the next person. even if i didn't have kids, i would still be a mother. why?

because i have the POTENTIAL to be a mother.

that's right. whether i have kids in this life or the next, i was placed here on this earth to be a mother. i have the maternal instincts, it is my divine status. i AM a mother. I can be celebrated too.

it's hard though, trying to explain to others about this though. sometimes they still don't get it.

there was one thing that helped me through mother's day. the celebration of MY mother. i would spend the day servicing my mom. the reason for this, was that you can't feel bad when in the service of your fellow beings.

anyway, i feel like i have rambled enough

to all my fellow infertile women out there. HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY.

because you deserve it just as much if not MORE than anyone else out there.

loves.

Break

this week i had a very much needed break

it was so nice, i wasn't sure i wanted to come home :-)

but i did and now i can love on my little even more

i wanted to address something that has really kind of bothered me

a lot of people ask me why i am not happy with my little

how can i still complain about infertility when i have a child

my answer is this:

"i am not childless, i am infertile"

it's that simple.

yes i may have a child, but i have a desease called inertility. i will always long to be pregnant all the way through. i will always want to have the feeling of a child kicking my from inside. being one with a child. getting a cute little belly that people want to rub when they see it, be uncomfortable all night, being sick every day for a few months, watching an unltrasound of a heartbeat, finding out the gender of what i am carrying, etc.

i will never have that

and some people just don't understand

some days i am ok with this. ok with not being able to bear children. ok with just having one child to raise.

other days i am not

but let me tell you how i was raised. i was raised in the LDS church. us gals, well we were raised to be mothers. everything we went through, young womens, primary, relief society,

e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.

was based on familes. being able to be married in the temple, and then multiply and replenish the earth. (if you think about miltiplying, you have to think of it like this. there are two of you in a marriage, in order to multiply that, you have to have at least 4 kids, because then you have multiplied. :-))

being a mom

that was everything. i grew up wanting to be nothing but a mother.

well, i found out that i can still be a mother, but i just have to do it by other means. (nothing illegal :-))

like i said. some people don't understand this.

i get asked all the time "when are you going to have another child" and when i answer then "i don't know, i'm just happy with my one for now" i get looks like i am seriously screwed up.

and i am happy with my one

i wouldn't trade him for anything in the world

but people don't understand that i am still mourning the loss of a BIG part of who i was growing up

a big part of me wishes that i could plan when i can add to my family. wishes i could just LOOK at my hubby and get pregnant. but i am not so lucky.

i don't really know where i was going with this. it's almost 2 in the morning and i am tired.

just take it for what it's worth :-)

Female Race

sometimes, I hate being a female

like completely despise it

c.o.m.p.l.e.t.e.l.y.

And it is usally only for a few days that I feel like this.

usually the first 3-4 days of my cycle

I curse my husband and wonder how he got lucky to be a male

he always laughs at me and asks why

my answer?

"you don't have to spend 6 days bleeding all the time, and have cramps hurt so bad that they are going to kill you, or have your emotions go all over the place from one minute to the next!"

he laughs again and says
"but I have to be on the receiving end of your anger"

funny love. REAL funny.

be careful, love, I know where you sleep

anyway...

I really hate choosing what to wear carefully, because I don't know if I'm going to feel bloated, or what if the worst happens and I leak or something?

ugh

I hate it

so for today, I wish I was male so I wouldn't have to deal with all this

although, not sure I would want to be my hubby either, and have to deal with me

yikes.

An Official Introduction

Hello.
I am an Infertile Mama
as explained in my "about me" section, this means that I am infertile.
I can't get pregnant
and trust me, I've tried!

I have been through just about everything out there
clomid, injections, ultrasounds, blood tests, IUI, IVF, miscarriage and eventually adoption

I know there are still many roads that I haven't traveled, but I've traveled a lot.
I continue to travel
just like many of you

It's HARD
I know

but we aren't alone

I am a 26 year old mother to one.
I have been married almost 8 years.
I like strawberries, kiwis, apples, and chocolate.
all together
I hate sleeping alone
I am also a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
my faith falters sometimes
but that's ok
because I know it's true in the end
I'm just like a lot of you.

What I hope to accomplish with this blog:

I hope to be able to provide a support group for women.
I hope to be able to have a place to vent, complain, cry, and rejoice with more people like me.
make an awareness out there that infertility IS a disease that encompasses MORE woman then people realize. And figure out ways together that we can help uplift, and encourage others.
Basically just have a place that I can put thoughts out there. We'll see what happens with it. :-)

SO, I know there aren't any readers out there right now. I hope our readership increases. otherwise, I'll be talking to myself

and that would be a hit on the self esteem
:-)

Welcome to the blog!