Friday, March 12, 2010

Break

this week i had a very much needed break
it was so nice, i wasn't sure i wanted to come home :-)
but i did and now i can love on my little even more
i wanted to address something that has really kind of bothered me
a lot of people ask me why i am not happy with my little
how can i still complain about infertility when i have a child
my answer is this:
"i am not childless, i am infertile"
it's that simple.
yes i may have a child, but i have a desease called inertility. i will always long to be pregnant all the way through. i will always want to have the feeling of a child kicking my from inside. being one with a child. getting a cute little belly that people want to rub when they see it, be uncomfortable all night, being sick every day for a few months, watching an unltrasound of a heartbeat, finding out the gender of what i am carrying, etc.
i will never have that
and some people just don't understand
some days i am ok with this. ok with not being able to bear children. ok with just having one child to raise.
other days i am not
but let me tell you how i was raised. i was raised in the LDS church. us gals, well we were raised to be mothers. everything we went through, young womens, primary, relief society,
e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.
was based on familes. being able to be married in the temple, and then multiply and replenish the earth. (if you think about miltiplying, you have to think of it like this. there are two of you in a marriage, in order to multiply that, you have to have at least 4 kids, because then you have multiplied. :-))
being a mom
that was everything. i grew up wanting to be nothing but a mother.
well, i found out that i can still be a mother, but i just have to do it by other means. (nothing illegal :-))
like i said. some people don't understand this.
i get asked all the time "when are you going to have another child" and when i answer then "i don't know, i'm just happy with my one for now" i get looks like i am seriously screwed up.
and i am happy with my one
i wouldn't trade him for anything in the world
but people don't understand that i am still mourning the loss of a BIG part of who i was growing up
a big part of me wishes that i could plan when i can add to my family. wishes i could just LOOK at my hubby and get pregnant. but i am not so lucky.
i don't really know where i was going with this. it's almost 2 in the morning and i am tired.
just take it for what it's worth :-)

Friday, March 5, 2010

Female Race

sometimes, I hate being a female
like completely despise it
c.o.m.p.l.e.t.e.l.y.
And it is usally only for a few days that I feel like this.
usually the first 3-4 days of my cycle
I curse my husband and wonder how he got lucky to be a male
he always laughs at me and asks why
my answer?

"you don't have to spend 6 days bleeding all the time, and have cramps hurt so bad that they are going to kill you, or have your emotions go all over the place from one minute to the next!"
he laughs again and says
"but I have to be on the receiving end of your anger"
funny love. REAL funny.
be careful, love, I know where you sleep
anyway...
I really hate choosing what to wear carefully, because I don't know if I'm going to feel bloated, or what if the worst happens and I leak or something?
ugh
I hate it
so for today, I wish I was male so I wouldn't have to deal with all this
although, not sure I would want to be my hubby either, and have to deal with me
yikes.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

An Official Introduction

Hello.
I am an Infertile Mama
as explained in my "about me" section, this means that I am infertile.
I can't get pregnant
and trust me, I've tried!

I have been through just about everything out there
clomid, injections, ultrasounds, blood tests, IUI, IVF, miscarriage and eventually adoption

I know there are still many roads that I haven't traveled, but I've traveled a lot.
I continue to travel
just like many of you

It's HARD
I know

but we aren't alone

I am a 26 year old mother to one.
I have been married almost 8 years.
I like strawberries, kiwis, apples, and chocolate.
all together
I hate sleeping alone
I am also a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
my faith falters sometimes
but that's ok
because I know it's true in the end
I'm just like a lot of you.

What I hope to accomplish with this blog:

I hope to be able to provide a support group for women.
I hope to be able to have a place to vent, complain, cry, and rejoice with more people like me.
make an awareness out there that infertility IS a disease that encompasses MORE woman then people realize. And figure out ways together that we can help uplift, and encourage others.
Basically just have a place that I can put thoughts out there. We'll see what happens with it. :-)

SO, I know there aren't any readers out there right now. I hope our readership increases. otherwise, I'll be talking to myself

and that would be a hit on the self esteem
:-)

Welcome to the blog!

So it Starts

So it starts. This blog is an attempt to be a place for me to vent, to gain support, and just put stuff out there. Thanks for letting me. :-)