Break

this week i had a very much needed break

it was so nice, i wasn't sure i wanted to come home :-)

but i did and now i can love on my little even more

i wanted to address something that has really kind of bothered me

a lot of people ask me why i am not happy with my little

how can i still complain about infertility when i have a child

my answer is this:

"i am not childless, i am infertile"

it's that simple.

yes i may have a child, but i have a desease called inertility. i will always long to be pregnant all the way through. i will always want to have the feeling of a child kicking my from inside. being one with a child. getting a cute little belly that people want to rub when they see it, be uncomfortable all night, being sick every day for a few months, watching an unltrasound of a heartbeat, finding out the gender of what i am carrying, etc.

i will never have that

and some people just don't understand

some days i am ok with this. ok with not being able to bear children. ok with just having one child to raise.

other days i am not

but let me tell you how i was raised. i was raised in the LDS church. us gals, well we were raised to be mothers. everything we went through, young womens, primary, relief society,

e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.

was based on familes. being able to be married in the temple, and then multiply and replenish the earth. (if you think about miltiplying, you have to think of it like this. there are two of you in a marriage, in order to multiply that, you have to have at least 4 kids, because then you have multiplied. :-))

being a mom

that was everything. i grew up wanting to be nothing but a mother.

well, i found out that i can still be a mother, but i just have to do it by other means. (nothing illegal :-))

like i said. some people don't understand this.

i get asked all the time "when are you going to have another child" and when i answer then "i don't know, i'm just happy with my one for now" i get looks like i am seriously screwed up.

and i am happy with my one

i wouldn't trade him for anything in the world

but people don't understand that i am still mourning the loss of a BIG part of who i was growing up

a big part of me wishes that i could plan when i can add to my family. wishes i could just LOOK at my hubby and get pregnant. but i am not so lucky.

i don't really know where i was going with this. it's almost 2 in the morning and i am tired.

just take it for what it's worth :-)